Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
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First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.