Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
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SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF