My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
You Might Also Like
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Breaking news:
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress