[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!