Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
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6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Jurassic park gets weird
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.