At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.