Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.