[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I hate my earbuds.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
based al yankovic
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need