A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
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man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.