A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
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[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Extremely relatable.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone