I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Once again not all heroes wear capes
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.