It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
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Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Friends that check up on you >
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra