My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
me after drinking all the wine:
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.