Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
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every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too