I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.