The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
not seeing the problem
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Okay, I’m still confused…
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
FINE, I WON’T.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you