Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Thursday Thought.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.