[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
You Might Also Like
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Thoughts
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf