asked my bf how work was today
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so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My new favorite headline
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.