*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away