I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Are we there yet?…
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.