Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
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From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.