JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
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If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.