My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
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Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My dog ate my work from home.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
How animals would run if they were human
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.