I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
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Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.