The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
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*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
love it when they get my name right
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too