The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
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[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.