My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people