[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
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*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments