If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
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Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.