Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
You Might Also Like
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.