How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
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Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
welcome back
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it