Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell