Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
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Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
me when the borders lift
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*puts cutlery down*
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.