People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
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me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
#Caturday
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious