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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
No. YOU-buprofen.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.