Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
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I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
😂🤣😂🤣
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?