I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.