Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
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That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
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