Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
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i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
He-man has a Masters degree
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.