Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
don’t we all
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.