[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
When you’re Kinky but poor
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
That’s fair
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”