“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.