– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few