Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.