Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
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I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*