Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
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“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!