Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
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a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I’m awake but I object,
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
notice
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”