A choir of Spring onions
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Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.