[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
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[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters